Strange Things
by Welfare Twins
Summary: Rumours are being spread about Sephiroth. Zack's a giant perv and Rufus has the I.Q. of a jar of spit. And what the hell is with the new secretary?
1. Leotards and Sneakery

_Welfare twin number one_:  
Yeah, FFVII+ stuff+ characters not mine. Blah blah blah. Don't hate me, but this is pretty much my first fanfic ever. I know there's bound to be a bazillion grammatical errors but I'm sure you'll be able to decipher whatever it is I'm trying to say ( if not, I appologize in advance)

**note** this takes place while Zack is still alive ( hence Rufus not being president yet)  
if you like this ( or even if you don't) Go read my partner in crime, welfare twin # 2's FFVII fic called The Succession of Chapters: A Turk Story. It's so funny I think I almost crapped myself.

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Chapter One: Leotards and Sneakery

In the wee hours of the morning, long before most in the same vacinity had awoke, Sephiroth creeped into the hall outside his quarters.

Clad mostly in black ( as black was agreeably a more suitable colour for wearing while involved in such acts as creeping than say, yellow) and toting what appeared to be a duffle bag,

Sephiroth made his way silently to the nearest elevator. After pushing the down arrow he made up his mind to stop creeping about because A: it was suspicious and B: almost everyone that would be spying or even aware of him was most likely still recovering after the all night party down in the labs ( hosted by Hojo himself, of course). One could only assume that many of the party's participants would find themselves wondering where various body parts and quarts of blood had gone to and why they feel more than slightly violated.

After waiting only a few moments, the doors opened with a ping! and Sephiroth prepared himself to step inside the presumably unoccupied elevator. Though the elevator was not unoccupied as one would have ( and Sephiroth -did-) expect. Sephiroth was instead met with a half naked Palmer and a rather ravaged looking air filled, poor excuse for a woman.

"..." Was all he could muster at the shock.

" Uuhm, I uh, uhh, " Palmer stuttered nervously. " This is,uhm, Linda! She's the uh, the president's new secretary! Yes. Secretary. uh.Are you getting on?"

"..." Sephiroth was hurridly smashing the buttons outside the elevator. He would have ran if it weren't for the fact his legs were paralyzed with shock.  
The doors finally ping'ed closed again and Sephiroth let out the breath he'd been holding. He recalled the plastic woman in the elevator and could have sworn it looked as if she were begging him to stab her in the face with whatever object made itself available; a pen, a shoe, his own face, just as long as it got the job done and fast.

He didn't blame it. He would have probably been decorated as a hero for saving the poor thing from a fate most agreeably worse than being stabbed in the face.

Upon further contemplation, he decided he would much rather stab Palmer.  
The doors ping'ed open again and Sephiroth stepped in.

" ..." He kicked the jumbo sized, slightly stained, breifs to the furthest corner of the elevator and shuddered.

A few minutes after the elevator incident, our silver haired friend stepped into the six o'clock dawn outside the ShinRa building where he held residnece. Strolling casually, he made his way away from the building.

Some short while later, he arrived at a secluded area fenced in by various trees and shrubbery that would adequately hide whatever ongoings should happen in the space. He, of course, had been surveying the area for several days to ensure that the place was in fact deserted ( except for a few very large human shapped things he assumed were some sort of squirrel). Sephiroth glanced about suspiciously. He crouched low to the ground and begand pulling abjects out of the bag.

One that stood out amoungst the others was a portable stereo...

Hidden behind dense shrubbery, Zack saw what could only be described as -the- single best peice of blackmail evidence that ever was or ever would be. Oh yes. This was downright -juicy-. Zack brought out the camera he kept for occassions just like this one ( actually, he usually kept it for taking perverted photos of recruits in the showers, keep in mind that even officers of his rank had no access to the female showers)

Yes, this was -not- the kind of thing a person could ever live down. Zack grinned to himself clutching his mouth to keep any laughter from escaping.

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_Tell me what you think. Should I add anything? Omit? Short, I know! but there are more!_


	2. Lethal Rabbits and How to Kill Them Dead

For a lovely disclaimer, see chapter one.  
Yes, it's yours truly, welfare twin #1! If you haven't checked out Welfare twin #2's story, Succession of Chapters, do so now!

Now editted for your enjoyment!  
_The next day at approximately the same time and place_...

Sephiroth had had no interruptions the previous day during his session in his hideout. Thus, feeling more relaxed, he'd brought an outfit to work in. It was black ( of course), mostly made of spandex and left nothing to the imagination. Sephiroth prepared his stereo and again, took deep, relaxing breaths.

The CD played,

_Breathe in...now breathe out.  
Lesson four will begin with interpretive dance_.  
soft music plays  
_In your first excersize, you will be a tree..._

Sephiroth stood tall and positioned himself into what would be a tree if humans were made of cellulose.

He would have heard snickering if it weren't for the fact that trees don't have ears and he was playing his part well.

_Now the wind is blowing_

Sephiroth swayed slightly but looked more like a recovering heroine addict than a tree in the breeze...

More snickering.

_And now, you'll become the ocean..._

Again, Sephiroth acted.

There was a gargled choking sound implying that either someone was being drowned or they were laughing so hard they almost swallowed their own tongue.

_And now..you're a fairy princess on her way to the fairy ball to meet your fairy prince!_

Sephiroth hesitated..

_DANCE, DAMMITT!_

Sephiroth pranced.

Zack could no longer contain himself. He laughed out loud -so- hard his face began to turn purple as he was rolling on the grass clutching himself to make sure his lungs didn't explode.

Sephiroth stomped over to the trees where Zack was hiding ( he wasn't very well hidden at all. He was almost clearly visible to the average person. But, then again, Sephiroth was far from average.)

" GAAAAAHHH!" was all he could yell. He was mighty angry(and thuroughly embaressed). Angry people don't usually say much before they smash you into pulpy human juice other than GAAAAAHHH.

"HA-HA-HA-HA!" Zack laughed as he pointed. Needless to say, Sephiroth's face was definately an unhumanly shade of red. Sephiroth grabbed ahold of Zack's collar and his fist made sure that -this- was not something to happen again nor be discussed in the future.

**-morons aplenty-**

After arriving back at ShinRa headquarters, Sephiroth rushed as quickly as he could manage in the direction of his appartment.

Before he could make it there, Rufus stopped him in one of the many halls on the way.

" I know what you're up to!" He said accusingly.

" Up to -what- exactly?" Sephiroth tried to keep his composure. It was impossible that news could spread this fast! He'd made sure Zack was nearly-

" Oh..Don't play dumb! I KNOW You want LINDA!" He was furious.

"...Linda?" THANK YOU JENOVA!

" I KNOW YOU KNOW her! And YOU CAN'T HAVE HER!" Rufus' eyes were practically buldging out of his head.

" ...OK."

" Oh, and Hojo wants to see you. He's in dad's office" Rufus walked away calmly.

"Right"

Sephiroth looked slightly confused but made his way to the office anyways. He never did know -why- Rufus was allowed to wander around giving orders. His office was less of an office and more of a broom closet, much like his head; small, emitted a strange odour, only good for storing buckets and wet mops. You get the idea.

Before Sephiroth could ponder what the hell he could have possibly be wanted for he came across a battered Zack trying to woo a certain young Linda at her desk. Zack stood and acknowleged Sephiroth with a grin. You know, one of -those- grins. The ones that chime " I know something about you! You don't know if I've told!" He looked positively stupid. His face was black and blue, one arm was in a sling and his neck in a brace.And there he was grinning( showing off the very obvious holes where a few teeth had been lost).

" Hello, Seph. This is Linda. She's new here."

" ..." Said Linda.

" We've met." He said. " I've got to go. I'm busy." He stalked away. It appeared to Sephiroth that Zack's memory of previous events was going to require further attention...

Sephiroth finally made it to the office and entered.

" Aaah,Sephiroth there you are!" Both the president and Hojo looked worried.

" I need to talk to you, Sephiroth...it's about...well. I think you know," Sephiroth's worries started up.

" Well we got these photos the other day from an anonymos..." Hojo dropped a packett of photographs on the desk.

"..." Said everyone in the room.

Sephiroth picked up the packett and braced himself.

" These photos are all of the Shinra building..." He said.

" Yes...and they're HIDEOUS, aren't they?"Exclaimed the president.

" Uhm..well..."

" ADMIT IT! It looks like palmer took a big crap on the whole building!" ShinRa said.

"Well...now that you mention it..." Sephiroth stared at the photos.

" The thing is, we wanted you to help decorate seeing as how..you're..."

" I'm what?"

" Well, we know you're gay, Sephiroth. "

" ? " Sephiroth was flabbergasted. Not only was he -not- gay he didn't see how it all of a sudden would mean he's an interior designer.

" You know, you admitted to not even liking -LINDA! EVERYONE wants Linda!" Exclaimed Mr.ShinRa.

" Oh, that, and Zack gave me these." Hojo plopped a second packett of photos on the table. Sephiroth snatched them up, ripped them open and said,

" These are all recruits...in the shower..." Sephiroth was even more confused.

" Oh uhhh...wrong bunch!" Mr. Shinra snatched them away and plopped another package on the table. He tucked the other inside his vest pocket.

" These are photos of me...in a leotard."

" Yes! DANCING!" Shreiked Hojo. " one minute you're just wiggling along to some interpretive dance CD and the next you're doing ballroom, or even worse, DISCO"

" Sephiroth, we haven't had 'the talk' yet, have we?" Asked Hojo.

" Uhm, no." Sephiroth wondered what the hell was going on and what Disco had to do with 'the talk'.

" Well, " Hojo started reminescing." When I was about your age. Your mother and I were first class disco dancers..."

" Oh sweet lifestream here we go..." Sephiroth pulled up a seat and pretended to pay attention.

**FLASHBACK!  
**_I was a strapping youth with slicked black hair and a cropped moustache_-

"That's all lies. You're one of the homliest- Wait, you had a moustache? AHAHAHAHAH!" Sephiroth interrupted the flashback

" What DID YOU SAY, BOY!" Hojo glared menacingly ( or at least as menacingly as a skinny short guy with glasses and a pocket protector could).

" Nothing, keep reminescing while I go drown myself" Sephiroth rolled his eyes.

_Your mother and I were attending the ShinRa sponsored -Fascists Against Reality Television- disco dance competition-  
_

" Hey, i didn't know ma' was a dancer"

" SHUT UP! this is MY FLASHBACK"

_ANYWAYS, we were dancing like nobody's business when a rogue military group stormed the party! Sure, they -looked- like a couple of rabbits who were fluffy and adorable, but I knew better! There had to be at least three or four of them, but I took them all on myself. I single-handedly used my killer dance skills to annihilate them.  
But..I couldn't stop and I..I killed everyone in the building! Including Lucrecia.  
_**END FLASHBACK!**

" WAIT! YOU KILLED MY MOM?" Sephiroth cried.

" Well, yes," Hojo replied .

" But this was years ago! How was I-"Sephiroth was interrupted .

" We used Vincent as a surrogate mother." Hojo explained.

" I seee..." Sephiroth supressed a giggle as he imaginedMr. Valentinecramming his face full of pickle covered cheesecake and peeing when he laughed too hard.

" So, you see Sephiroth... Sephiroth?" Hojo looked to the chair in which Sephiroth had been sitting and in his place was a broom with a sock on it.

" Goddammit!" Hojo cursed to aloud.

" That was the saddest story I've ever heard!" Mr. Shinra said through sobs.

" Oh, go stab yourself!" Hojo snarled as he marched out the door.


	3. Down Once More

I'll just assume you've read all the other chapters up to this point.

**note** Rufus obviously spends a lot of time alone in this here thing I've come up with and ends up watching too many movies/musicals. You'll see later.  
THIS ONE IS REALLY SHORT! But I think it's the best yet!

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_Back outside the office_.

" Linda is _MINE_!" Rufus screeched

" NO! I saw her FIRST!" Zack bellowed.

Both men were tugging at a still smiling and lifeless Linda.

" Linda's already pledged her eternal love to **ME**!" Palmer waddled as fast as his stumpy legs could. Bothe men stopped tugging and looked at linda in disbelief.

" Say it ain't true, baby!" Zack pleaded

" NO! You belong to ME!" Rufus threw a smoke bomb at the ground. When the smoke cleared he and Linda were both gone.

" NO! gasp MY LINDA!" Palmer shouted. He was still waddling to the desk where she and Rufus had been.

" Don't fear my sweet -OW- Linda! I'll save you from that madman-OW-" Zack was trying to be dramatic but only hurt himself in his delicate condition. Sephiroth approached the scene after leaving the office of the president.

" You're all a bunch of shit-heads! LINDA'S A BLOWUP DOLL!" He proclaimed in annoyance.

" GASP!" Zack and Palmer were shocked.

" Oh -NO- you _DI'N'T_!" Palmer snapped his fingers.

" You're just saying that because you're GAY!" Zack screamed. Sephiroth turned slowly, eyes squinted into a glare that could slice bread or cheese or maybe even shoot lazers if he tried really hard.

**SMACK **

Sephiroth punched Zack in the throat. Palmer jiggled in shock. Zack fell to the ground clasping his crushed trachea.

Sephiroth stomped away to his room.

Rufus' office was decorated as most broom closets were. Mops and brooms on the wall, a bucket, a drain in the centre of the floor. Rufus had added elements to make it seem more 'homey' like a table that was far too large for the space, a Fisher Price keyboard, a television, candles poking out of every available surface and a window painted on the wall behind the desk in bright primary colours. (stylized sun, clouds, trees and puppies included.

" Sing for me! My angel of MUSIC! MUAHAHAHAHAH!" Rufus cackled maniacally.

" ..." Linda said questioningly.

" Oh, sorry, forgot you were sensitive about that." Rufus appologized

"..." Linda asked, obviously hurt.

" No, I didn't mean to point out that you couldn't sing, I just-"

"..." She spoke n aggrivated tones.

" Look, just forget it!" Rufus sqwaked.

"...?" Asked Linda.

Yeah, this room has no electricity so I use candles."

"...?" Linda exclaimed.

" Why yes that -is- pumpkin spice scent! How did you know?"

"...!" She said.

" Oh, that's FABULOUS!"

The conversation was interrupted as the door to Rufus' closet was flung open ( though it hit the edge of the table he was using as a desk so the flinging wasn't quite as dramatic as it could have been.)

" RUFUS. I know you've got the secretary!" The voice outside the door yelled. Rufus stuffed Linda under his table. " I JUST heard you stuffing her under your poor excuse for a desk! now hand her over!" the voice yelled again.

" It appears we have a guest!" Rufus said to Linda. " You're not the boss of me!" Rufus screamed at the entrance.

" Don't make me come in there!" The voice threatened.

" GO TO HELL!" Rufus replied. A shiny black shoe attatched to a long trouser clad leg shuffled sideways into the room. It was soon followed by the entire body of one Mr. Tseng of the turks.

If Linda hadn't been under the table, the three of them would've hardly fit into the room.

" Well, this is certainly cozy." Tseng commented.

" Raou- I mean Tseng! GET OUT OF HERE!"

Tseng tried to bend over to pull Linda out from under the table. He had to use one arm to brace himself on the table and scrape his back against the cinder block wall in order to reach her.

" _WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING_?" Rufus exclaimed.

" You're really not too bright, are you?" Tseng was hoisting Linda out from under the furniture.

" My preeesciious!" Rufus hissed as he grabbed Linda's legs from the other side of the table.  
Tseng let go of his half of Linda to backhand Rufus across the face.

" wha-hwa-hwhaaaaaaa!" Rufus cried and clasped his reddened cheek. Tseng pulled Linda to safety outside the closet. After shutting and locking the door he propped Linda up against the wall and said,

" So, Linda..." He leaned against the wall with his elbow obviously trying to put on some charm.

" ..." Said Linda. Tseng jumped at her, both of them falling to the floor with an audible thud.

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	4. Inflatable Women and the Men Who Love Th...

Welfare Twin # 1: OKAY! chapter 4! I've gotten a few awesome reviews so I wanted to get a new chapter out there for those of you who liked the previous ones! Don't forget to check Welfare Twin #2's story: Succession of Chapters: A Turk Story! He hasn't posted new chapters yet, but I've read them, and they're great!Also, sorry, this one's kind of short again. Chapter 5 willll probably be just posted as the continuation of this chapter.

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Who knows how much later...

Zack's cramped little room was dimly lighted. Yes: he got a crappy, smelly room while all other military personnel Including SOLDIERS had to share even crappier, smellier barracks. Mostly because Zack's reputation for being an avid photographer scared most men into not showering for several days at a time and trying to perform military maneuvers whilst not inhaling the odour of the man next to you ( or within 5 kilometres of you, really) was really not very efficient. So, back to Zack's room...

As dimly lit as it was, any good boy or girl who eats their carrots could see the outlines of one lump named Zack and a second lump formerly known as polyeurothane sprawled about on the delapidated bed ( presumably sleeping as neither was moving much...well, one was moving a LOT and snoring rather loudly. The other looked dead to the casual observer. ...though, who would be casually observing Zack's room in the middle of the night is up for question.)

A very slight creaking could be heard from overhead...

Rufus shuffled on his hands and knees through the very cramped tunnel above Zack's tiny love shack.

" Linda, Linda LI!" He was whispering aloud to himself.

_CLANK, CLANK_

The air conditioning in this section of the building turned on. The freezing cold air travelling in the same direction as he. Rufus shivered and continued stiffly, shivering so much he made an audible noise against the air duct.

" Sh-sh-shit, Sh-shiva! My b-balls-s-s are S-s-smarites-s!" Rufus shivvered as he approached the duct's exit to Zack's ceiling ( though his testicles had probably not turned into candy coated chocolate).

"W-what ar-re you t-talkingg about? My balls-s-s D-Did turn into S-Smarties-s-s!" Rufus took his hand out of his pants pocket to reveal a handfull of brightly coloured Smarties.

I stand corrected...

Zack's dreams were filled with visions of Linda, nude photos and kittens. ( yeah, that last one's a shocker, but he's rather fond of kittens. He has a T-shirt that states " I am rather fond of kittens." proving, without a doubt, of his fondness for kittens) Before he had the chance to dream about taking nude photos of Linda with kittens, he was awakened by a crashing above him. His half unconscious mind hoped it had something to do with one of the afore mentioned subjects.

Unfortunately for Zack, Rufus was neither a kitten, nude, nor resembled Linda in any way, shape or form.

" WHAT THA HELL?" Zack tried to sit up but was instead pulled up by a suprizingly strong Rufus who had very cold hands.

" WHERE is my LINDA?" Rufus screeched as he shook Zack's shoulders, banging his head into the headboard on every other syllable.

Zack glanced over to the side of the bed Linda had been on. She indeed, was not there.

" I thud DON'T smack KNOW! thud OWWW!" Zack replied between smashings.

" GAAAAHHHH! I KNOW SHE WAS HERE! YOU'VE DEFILED MY LINDA!" Rufus was still smashing Zack's cranium into the headboard.

" ... SMACK ...-SMACK...THUD...thud..."

" GAAAHHH!..." Rufus stopped his assault.

He looked at the limp body of Zack and his anger was replaced with shock. " I...I...I didn't ...I..." His eyes caught the relection off of a dark, liquidstain near Zack's head. Rufus' heart leaped nearly out his throat. He caught himself staring at Zack's still open eyes.

Rufus stepped back towards the bed in a complete stupor.

Zack grabbed his arms as quickly as any SOLDIER could and screamed in Rufus' face,

" BOOOO!"

" EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Rufus emitted a very high pitched scream.

" Ha ha ha ha ha! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!" Zack laughed maniacally in Rufus' face, still clutching his arms.

" ...THUD" Rufus' body made that corpsy body-meets-the-floor noise as he fainted.

" ha-ha..ha...haaa!" Zack wiped a tear away from his eye as he finished chuckling at the unconscious heap on his floor. After contemplating wheather or not to strip him down and take incriminating photos, Zack shrugged and stuck his finger tips in the ketchup on his headboard.

" mmm, ketchup. " He stuck his fingers in his mouth. Zack was definately a strange character and probably the only person in human history who would think to stick packets of ketchup in his pillow as a night-time snack.

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Chapter 5 to have: more LINDA! More SEPHIROTH! more CRAZY!

I -WAS- going to make Zack actually -die- here. But, then I though " Zack can't die! he would HAVE to TURN this into a joke!"

Any suggestions for upcoming chapters? Please tell me your thoughts and suggestions!


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